I Want What You Want

By K. / Spring 2020

Have you ever wondered how different your life would be if you could change one thing? That is a paralyzing question that I have asked myself an overwhelming amount of times. I am a person of color and I have caught myself in my head asking how would my life be if I was white? How would it be if my parents were wealthy? I never really had these thoughts until I started getting older and I was in middle school going through life’s experiences. We live in a world where most people who come from a different social class or have a darker skin complexion than others, have to deal with double standards. It feels like we always have to play catch up and work twice as hard just to be recognized. Kimberly Jones, an author and activist, has an interview on YouTube explaining how black people and people of color have spent 400 years in slavery building wealth for white families, 50 years building and owning business and properties simply for white mobs to burn it down. And now, we are all expected to get back in the game and succeed. People say pull up your boot straps and work hard. It is tiring to constantly be behind after trying your hardest to keep up. This game was never meant for us. But we were never taught this history so a lot of people do not know better, they just take the information that is given to them through schools and media which has not favored people of color over the years and has made us look bad. The question “why did people ignore or accept these contradictions?” was brought up in my class and Professor Twohig answered it perfectly. He said, “It had to do with the stories we are told, the stories we come to accept as the truth”. The media and education system is designed to control people and shape their outlook on things. When society believes the narrative that people of color are bad or lazy, they start to treat us according to what they hear which keeps the cycle of oppression going. 

I was always a good kid getting good grades when it came to academics. But while I was in middle school, I was not making the best choices outside of the classroom. I would be late to class, getting into scuffles, and would get in arguments with the teacher. Had I continued with that behavior, who knows where I would be right now.  Fortunately, my mother put a stop to that and made sure I was going to get my act right. I still remember my mom showing up and sitting with me every class I had, it was so embarrassing. We had meetings with the counselor and they would always tell my mom that I was a good kid just making the wrong decisions and hanging out with he wrong crowd. My mom stepping in for me really helped me to be better. I thought about kids who did not have that pleasure. I thought about the good kids that are raised in the hood and constantly see bad behavior. That was when I started to realize I couldn’t afford to mess up, I couldn’t afford getting kicked out of school into another district where the education and environment was different. I knew that this is what was expected from me though and that is what I was always told from people in my corner. That if I continued down this path, I would just be another person of color in their eyes, a thug. 

My experiences continued to get worst over the years. Fast forward to my senior year in high school and I noticed that some teachers and counselors expected the bare minimum or the worst out of me, though this time I wasn't acting a fool like I was in middle school. I remember there were a few instances where I was shocked with what the teachers were saying about me. One day, we were in English class coming back from winter break, and the teacher asks us to go around and say what we did for Christmas and if we got anything. One student was saying how he got a new phone and a few other things for Christmas and my teacher says, “Oh you better keep that away from Kevin, he might take it”. There were multiple times where I would be accused of stealing things. But I was never one for confrontation so I just laughed it off. I had another instance with my Trigonometry teacher who told my classmates that I would never grow up to be anything while I left the class to go to the bathroom and I remember I stopped trying in that class ever since. Moving on to my counselor, he called me into the office to discuss colleges and the route I could take. Straight off the bat, he starts naming these community colleges that I could go to, never naming one 4 year university. So looking back at all these encounters I had, I felt my character was always being attacked and I was always being questioned by teachers, counselors and even the principle! I always felt like I had to work extremely hard and carry myself in a certain way for people to respect me and see me without any prejudgements. 

Following, we are able to see hegemonic beliefs in action. “In “liberal” or “democratic” societies, hegemony is not imposed by physical force rather it is taught in schools or promoted by the media. Hegemonic beliefs become “common sense” (i.e. beliefs accepted without question). One must learn to believe that he or she, or others, belong in positions of superiority or inferiority” (Twohig). As you saw in my own personal experiences, you can see these hegemonic beliefs come to life. More specifically my encounter with my counselor. People of color, people who looked like me, have been painted as thugs, lazy people, people who do not care about school by the media and society. Which also shows the dominant ideology, essentialism, in our society. This is the belief that some innate characteristic (race, caste, or class, IQ) within a person/group makes them superior or inferior” (Twohig). This is a belief that is taught, not a reality. But that is what people expected out of me simply because of how I look and the color of my skin. So when I went to talk to my counselor, he thought he was wasting his time. I remember him saying “if you go…” implying that he did not think I was going to go to college. But in my head, there was no other option for me except to go to college. That is when he proceeded to mention only community colleges. He treated me as if I was inferior to him and other students as well. In the media, people never really saw people of color go to college for a number of reasons, but it is not something that was really normal for us. I never had someone I could look up to who looked like me and go to college to become successful, hence being a first generation graduate. 

Overcoming these obstacles, I am now in a position where I graduate from community college and it is my time to decide where I am going to continue my education. I had a few schools in mind but right after a campus visit, I enrolled to UC San Diego. It is funny because I remember when people would ask me what school I am going to, they would always assume it was my local university which was not the best school. So when I would tell that I am attending UC San Diego, I got the most shocked faces and responses. They would say stuff like “Oh wow! Really? To play basketball?” like if they did not think I was capable of going to a good school like that unless it was through an athletic scholarship. So this was an enormous move for me. I grew up in a middle class family with 3 other siblings and a very close knit family that included aunts, uncles, and cousins. All the kids in the family went to college locally and never really left the nest. While I was growing up, for some reason, I always told myself that I was going to go to an out of state university. I wanted to do something different than what the norm was. Something that I feel would give me an advantage over people from my city. I wanted to take advantage of the schools I got accepted in and wanted to go to the best one. I wanted to prove people wrong, people who never thought I would make it this far, people who had me settling for less. I tend to get lost in my thoughts so I started thinking about everything I had been through, had to overcome, and how this can also affect my family’s future. I wanted to make the most out of this opportunity, especially coming from the background I came from. 

The odds were already stacked against me. It was not an easy transition. For the first few weeks I felt very lonely, out of place, and I just wanted to be back home. I felt very out of place. I do not remember seeing that many people that looked like me, and to say I felt like an outcast is an understatement. I had conversations with my family about transferring to a school that would be back home and close to them. I ended up staying at UC San Diego for a few reasons. I did not want to look weak and give up on myself, I did not want people to look down upon me for leaving, and I felt that it would pay off in the long run. I also felt like I needed to be strong and suck it up for my family, more specifically, my younger brother. My parents being divorced, we did not really have a male figure in the house that we could look up to and guide us. So I had to put that brave face on and I put it upon myself to be that male figure for my younger brother and put myself in situations I was not comfortable in in order to grow, learn and teach. It was not about me anymore, it was about those around me back home. I felt like it was my duty to break the cycle of settling for what the world wants to give us, break the system and beliefs that was in place for people like us, exceed the low expectations they had for people like myself and set a new and higher standard. It was time for us to shoot for the moon and get more. 

So after a few weeks, I started meeting more people which helped my experience and made the transition easier. I was trying to find things that would be able to fill in that void within and keep me distracted from things back home. I was trying to fit in with people who did not look like me. People that had different backgrounds, people that were white and came from a privileged and well off background. It eventually took a huge toll on me, especially mentally. I felt like I needed to be someone I wasn't just to be accepted in that environment. I did not realize that the life I was living was leading to destruction and was dragging me away from everything that I grounded myself in. Prior to this, I wasn’t drinking nor doing any type of drugs but when I started hanging out with more people, the pressure increased. It was hard for me to keep saying no. So I eventually immersed myself into going out and having fun. In the beginning everything seemed to be well maintained. I was balancing school, my social life, and family. The more I did this, the more I started noticing this change in me and it was not looking good. I was being careless, missing class and assignments, I was letting myself fall. My future and everything I worked for was starting to be at risk, including the stigma I wanted to change for people of color. I felt like I was eventually falling into the expectations that people had for me. My grades ultimately dropped and grad school was not looking like it was going to be in my future. On top of all that my mental health kept deteriorating. I felt tired, I couldn't do it anymore. I was not motivated to do anything, I had these negative thoughts about myself, and I just didn't feel like I was worthy. After a few weeks, I realized that those people did not care about me, it was just me who was going through this and everyone else seemed fine. It was only me getting those grades, it was me who felt like crap the next morning, it was me who was falling. I kept feeling like I had to prove myself to those around me. I could not afford to mess up and take 3 steps backwards, I was already behind these privileged people. 

On top the systemic racism, and trying to fit in, I had to deal with people making fun of my major all the time. Mentally, this was hard to overcome and made me question my future. Because I was a communications major, they would always assume it was the easiest major out of all, they thought I never had to do anything, that I had so much free time, and that it was not going to take to me anywhere in life. I started having even more doubts about myself and the career path I was taking. I started doubting if I was smart enough to be in another major and if I would succeed in it. I would always think about changing my major just because I felt like that would help me get some respect and to prove them wrong. This was just a recurring theme for people who look like me. Feeling like we have to do certain things in a certain manner just so we can get respect and the validation that is needed to be something in life. This really messed up my mental state, I felt like I was never good enough. When I would do good in school, it’s almost like it was expected because my major was “easy”. As people would say, “anybody could pass these classes”. So when I would struggle in a class or an assignment, I would start having these negative thoughts about myself again thinking I was not smart enough regardless of being in the “easiest” major. I kept thinking something was wrong with me. I would ask myself if I even deserved to be at UC San Diego, I asked myself if I was wasting my time going to school. I watched the interview with James Baldwin expelling the riots of 1968. He was explaining a little bit about how it is being a black man/person in America, the things that you have to deal with on top of the things issues that life throws at you. He then continues to go into the question, “what does a negro want?”, and he continues, “I want exactly what you want. And you know what you want. I want to be left alone. I don’t want any of the things that people accuse negros of wanting and I don't hate you. I simply want to be able to raise my children in peace… I don't want to be defined by you…” (Baldwin). This was a very powerful statement for someone like me. I felt I could definitely relate to that. I did not want anything more than my peers, I did not want a hand out. I just wanted to be respected, go to school to get my degree, and create a better future for my family and I. 

This reminds me of the American Dream. They tell us if we work hard enough, we can be successful and if we do not succeed, we were too lazy. I am here thinking about the people who look like me but do not have the same opportunities as me because of something like their social status. Did they ever have a fair shot at the American Dream as me? Those people who got caught up in the systems inequalities. Not having access to food, clothes, a home, proper education, or proper health care like we have seen with this Coronavirus pandemic. Or how about the people who look like me and are in the same boat as me? In a place where people did not expect us to be, where we have to work twice as hard just to keep up. Regardless of the situation, I guarantee it affects our mental health. We are constantly getting comments from people putting us down, directly or indirectly, reminding us that we are at a disadvantage and it hurts. Over time, we are programmed to think something is wrong with us. When reality it is the other way around. 

I hope I was able to shed some light on the injustices that I personally had to go through and others as well. It will not be easy to change what has been a result from 400 plus years of history. But I think it can be done and it will take each and every one of us. We need to tackle the issue from the root. The education system has not favored minorities. First, I believe more people of color should be hired as teachers or counselors. Or like the Lumumba-Zapata Demands, create a school for minorities. This would allow students to see and get a great education, advice from someone who looks like them or could relate to, someone who would want to genuinely help their own people, and put them in a position to succeed. This would also help white people and other privileged people understand where we come from and what we have to deal with. Also having mentors for these young kids will definitely help so that these kids will not feel alone like I did. They need to know that they are enough, they are not the problem. To let them know and constantly encourage them to chase their dreams and give them the resources to succeed. Also we can create our own media platforms where we can tell our own stories. One of the reasons why I majored in Communications was to become a news anchor. I want future generations to see people who look like them telling their stories and hoping they can become inspired and change the standards for us.