Stranger in my Home

By Sami Farsoudi / Spring 2022

As a child, I was often bullied for being gay, but more specifically, having a high-pitched voice and flamboyant personality. I was not as masculine as boys were supposed to be. There are plenty scenarios in grade school where I was mistreated, harassed, or bullied for being gay. The question “are you gay” was asked more often than appropriate questions, like “where are you from” or “what’s your favorite movie?”

Growing up in a society that deemed homosexuality as weird or gross was not easy. I started to internalize the homophobic teachings and was hating myself as a result. Having to hate myself for my same-sex desires and having those desires at the same time was a constant cycle of internal abuse. I later learned to be more open and accepting about it so I decided to tell more people about it. However, some coming out experiences were easy and some were not.

I remember when I came out to my mother in 2015 with the help of a therapist, it was a very painful experience to witness and it made me see how homophobia can really affect a person, especially when the person filled with hate is someone’s mother. I was sitting in front of my mother on two separate couches with my therapist sitting near us. It was very hard for me so my therapist offered to help. When she gave the news to my mother, there was a moment of silence and astonishment that lasted about 6 or 7 seconds. During those moments, I was panicking, thinking what’s going to happen to me. One of the first questions she asked me was, “why do you like boys” and I had no clue how to answer that. She said “what are all of my friends going to think” and I kept wondering where this conversation was leading towards. She asked me to step out of the room so she can have a private conversation with the therapist. As I sat outside waiting for what felt like 15-20 minutes, my anxiety was going through the roof. I kept thinking what was being said in that room as I nervously waited outside. After they called me in, my mother “made a choice” and said that I was too young to determine my sexual orientation at the age of 16. After asking me about uncomfortable questions regarding sexual intercourse between two men, she wanted to make an agreement that I would wait until I’m older and see if . She mentioned that in the supposed future, she would have me have sex with a woman to change my sexual orientation, which is considered corrective rape. After that appointment, my mother had me stop going to that therapist because she assumed that she was “turning me gay”. She also assumed that my brother and his friends, because they harassed me for being gay, were “turning me gay” as well. Not just that day, but for months after that, she would begin to stare at me as if I was some stranger living in her house. I started to realize the ugly truth, that I wasn’t her son anymore. She not only said that it was my choice to be gay, but, would blame my sexual orientation for the disasters that came in my life. I started to feel ashamed and hate myself even more.

After all the pain she gave me, it made me realize homophobic society is. A mother is usually always there for her child but when that child is part of the LGBTQ+ community, then oftentimes, that mother does not want anything to do with that child. Mothers are usually the child’s most protective guardian, other than the father, but my mother was one of the most brutal, abusive, and hurtful people in my life. I was bullied at school by my peers and abused by my mother at home so it all told me that we have a long way to go in regards to accepting the LGBTQ+ community. After doing more research on homophobia, not just in America but other countries as well, I started to see the world in a slightly different way. I learned that there are plenty of countries that criminalize homosexuality and punish it with a death penalty. One of those countries includes Iran, which is where my parents were born and raised in, so it made sense to me that my mom’s homophobia came from her country’s teachings on it. With so many people treating the LGBTQ+ community like trash, it made complete sense to me that anxiety and depression rates were higher for LGBTQ+ adolescents than their straight counterparts. Suicide rates for the LGBTQ+ community is astoundingly higher. With all the harassment and bullying I, and the rest of the community have faced, I intend to do everything I can to make sure that this problem is minimized for the good of the community.