Behind “I’m Fine” and “I’m Great”

By Anonymous / Winter 2022

Dear Anon,

It’s so strange to look back on things now. But coming home every day to my mom appearing visibly exhausted and staring off into space was such a regular occurrence throughout most of my childhood. I remember so many days where I’d come back home from school or some kind of sporting event, and after peeling open the front door to the house, would find her sitting statuesque at the kitchen table with the aftermath of tears streaming down her face and this glossy checked out look etched onto her face. It never went completely unnoticed by any of us within the family, and there were of course a handful of different occasions where I’d ask her if she was truly alright and how she was holding up, only to be met with “fine” and “I’m great, how are things with you?”

It was almost as if the act of telling me she was living in a world characterized by day-to-day unhappiness and despair was to essentially admit that her life with us had been a mirage of sorts, mostly experienced through the inside of a house. Acknowledging she was miserable in her situation was to accept complete defeat in so many different ways. There was never any sign of wavering in her various duties thrust upon her by society writ large. To me she was simply my mom, but she was so much more than that when I look at our lives then with the clarity that I have now. She was a maid, chef, seamstress, the family personal assistant, my dad’s therapist, and subsequent punching bag during the violent years of his undiagnosed mental illness and battles with substance abuse. It was always simply assumed that someone had to stay behind to take care of things.

For many people that were raised in a more conservative and religious family such as myself, this sort of infantilizing of women in what their duties and responsibilities can be operates at a seriously foundational level. It’s almost never examined with any kind of rigor or deep thought by anyone. To do so is to be met with dismissive talks of how there are obviously these biological differences between us, and that based on these differences women understandably have a natural disposition towards more caring and nurturing roles. I’ve heard the argument amongst couples and friends I know well. What about the disparity in pay between men and women? Well, you see, they don’t have any interest in the more lucrative professions they can choose from because they gravitate towards “motherly” careers. Who’s going to stay home and care for our child while the other provides an income? Obviously, since you’re the more caring one you should stay and take care of the baby. There’s no need for nonsense pipe dreams of any life outside of being a housewife, secretary, or caring for other people’s children.

This way of thinking is so pervasive in modern society that it bleeds into every aspect of our lives, like a program running in the background. Even in the rarer cases of women that hold higher status positions within our society, I’ve seen firsthand how they can be treated as being lesser and inferior to their male counterparts they interact with in the workplace. One glaring example of this that comes to mind, which I believe also serves as a microcosm for the way that things currently are, is a conversation I recently had with a close friend of mine regarding her job. She works in a management position for a biotechnology company, where her and one other woman hold these very important titles, and where they’re in charge of many men below them on the totem pole. Without getting too into the weeds, their decisions can literally bankrupt the company and possibly take someone’s life from them if attention to detail goes ignored. This is why I found it strange that even with all of the responsibility and respect they get from their titles, which they’ve rightfully earned, they still ended up performing these seemingly gendered tasks that you’d immediately label as motherly or housework. There was never a second thought. It was assumed that they would be the ones to clean up after the men in the office, plan parties for the team, be diverted to for matters that are simple secretarial issues, and act as the mediators for the times when guys would get angry at one another. There was even an instance where a chair was thrown at someone else by a team member, and everyone laughed it off later as a logical frustration at events taking place in a meeting. It stuck out to me because I later questioned how the whole altercation would be if it were her losing her cool and acting aggressively. I’ve seen the aftermath of this type of thing before in male dominated workplaces. What would they call her? A crazy bitch acting irrationally? Dismiss her as a psycho that has zero control over her emotions? Flipping their roles is a great way to gain insight into just how odd a lot of discourse on this subject genuinely is.

This is why someone like Silvia Federici, and her well thought out views on wages against housework, are ideals I believe to be fundamental in changing the orientation we have with women in our society. There needs to be a radical shift in our perceptions and relationships with each other. That’s really all there is to it. It isn’t even so much about the financial aspect of the matter being discussed, which would obviously ameliorate issues of income inequality and socioeconomic status between both men and women, but more about what it means in terms of leveling the playing field in a more equitable manner. Aside from the bargaining power that literal payment would bring along with it, the wages against housework movement dredges to the surface just what it means to actually perform these types of tasks, and all of the various implications that run downstream of their casual acceptance. What’s normally regarded as being a mundane chore can now be seen in a new light.

This notion is revolutionary in more ways than one, because it also doesn’t need to be seen as a zero-sum game, where one sex wins out over the other. Men too can profit greatly from ideals adjacent to feminist causes, such as the ability to be compensated while you’re both at home caring for your baby as a team, rather than a single individual taking on all of the work alone. Women deserve their recognition as equals and to be unshackled by stereotyping based on false biological assumptions. And if not for that, for the endless deluge of shit they’ve put up with throughout history. It can all be whittled down to the humble understanding that just because someone accepts a specific profession or fills an explicit role in our society it doesn’t necessarily mean that they want to do so, or that they’re doing it willingly out of the kindness of their own heart.

Sincerely,

Anon