That Feeling of Failing and Anxious Thoughts Heightened in Remote Learning

By Dina Mousavi / Winter 2021    

I vividly remember the day when I walked into my sixty-person biology class back at the small community college I attended. At that time, seeing all these students in the hall for the first exam frightened me. Everyone, including me, looked scared. I mean, it was exam day, and everyone in the room was probably as nervous as I was. Taking a look around the room, I watched how some students actively shuffled through their notes before the exam as if their life depended on it. Other individuals sat in silence and rehearsed the material in their heads to ensure excellence on their exams. But for me, I was already as prepared as I could have possibly been. I would spend most of my time before an exam watching my surroundings and rubbing my hands together as if I was trying to start a fire. Rubbing my hands together was a good way to relieve my stress. But, the best way to alleviate my anxiety before an exam was to talk to individuals around me that were also feeling anxious. It was a good remedy to release my fears for the time being. Although we all crammed into a freezing little room with tiny desks and flickering lights, I never felt as if I was ever alone. I was constantly distracted by my surroundings and continuously motivated by the individuals around me to keep pushing towards my end goal - to work in a research lab one day. Relative to the online courses I take during the pandemic now, in-person classes with my peers helped ease my anxiety. And now, that feeling of failing and anxious thoughts has greatly heightened while in remote learning. Throughout this paper, I want to discuss how I am currently addressing my struggle with anxiety and deeper solutions on how the education system can be designed to help those in a similar position. If mental health issues stem from the education system, especially during the pandemic, then it is the education system that needs to be challenged.

Right now, my source of motivation comes from counting down the days until I receive the break I so greatly need. The classes I once enjoyed and the studies that once motivated me are now the same ones I feel the most anxious about. My struggle does not feel as if it is worth it sometimes, and this thought has accentuated during this pandemic. As Anthony Solomon describes in his interview with Democracy Now, this crisis has caused individuals to feel paralyzed with fear and anxiety to the point where they sacrifice their sleep, food intake, exercise, and any social activities they may have participated in prior. Solomon’s statement pinpointed precisely how I have felt/reacted during these challenging times. In today’s world, I find it hard to fuel my body and take care of myself, as my fears of failure surround me like a dark cloud. An example of this is evident in my daily life, as I began to struggle with test and performance anxiety most when I switched to remote learning. I would start studying for an exam weeks in advance to ease some of the weight on my shoulders. Once the day before the exam hits, my anxiety takes over my body until I feel frozen in time. I feel paralyzed. I will try to convince myself that I’ll be okay, but my mind says otherwise. I overthink different situations that can play out during this exam in my head and predict every single outcome. Therefore it feels like I am living the same day twice, as I already play the scenario in my head once, and I live it for a second time. No matter how prepared I feel for an exam or how far ahead I begin my studies, the exam day gives me so much anxiety that I feel mentally and physically drained. I will spend the entire night before worrying, sleep at most four hours, and squirm in my chair for another couple of hours until the exam begins. During the actual exam, I blank for a good chunk of the time. I might know an answer completely, but it is like my mind tells me that I should stop. Then I watch the time slip through my fingers, as I’ll start worrying about the next exam before this one has come to an end. Therefore my fear of failure had heightened dramatically at the beginning of quarantine, and no amount of preparation or medication had helped me through this. It felt as if the most challenging part was struggling with my anxiety all alone. I felt like I lacked support or guidance from those I once depended on. Little did I know, no one is going through this alone including me.

A couple of months ago, I decided to open up to a close friend of mine about my anxiety and thoughts to receive some guidance. I had been battling my anxiety on my own for so long that I sought someone who I could talk to without judgment. But when I told him about my experiences and what I was going through, he greeted me with, “that’s completely normal, don’t worry about it. I’m sure you’ll get over it soon.” Although he was right, and I hoped to move past my anxiety at one point, I did not expect the sudden shift of blame as if it was my fault that I felt this way. He then gave me some advice to learn to move past this, which I did appreciate, but it was hard to hear. However, this experience demonstrates that some individuals may not completely understand that mental health problems/issues do not vanish over time. It takes years for some to recover, while others may spend their entire lives battling this unsettling fear. Other individuals find more dangerous resources to ease their pain, while others crumble under pressure. It is not always as simple as turning the dial to instant happiness, which is crucial to understanding mental health. As the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services explains it, it is a myth that “weakness or character flaws cause mental health problems” and that “people with mental health problems can snap out of it if they try hard enough.” This shallow misconception is harmful to many individuals undergoing this, as mental illnesses can develop due to the experiences one has gone through or even due to their family history as mentioned by the same source. In my case, my mother also battled with mental health problems and began taking antidepressants after she felt like she was struggling for years at a time. Although she worked hard to achieve happiness, her anxiety also weighed her down. In my eyes, it is insensitive to say that she failed because that would also mean that the hundreds of thousands of other individuals battling mental health also failed. When in reality, external sources such as our education system and the way it has been designed can lead to students feeling as if they are failing. Instead of shifting the blame onto students and labeling them as not working hard enough, we need to look beyond the external viewpoint at the root of the problem -- our education system.

We need to look deeper into mental health, especially mental health issues due to our education system here in the United States. It is not to say that this is not a global issue, but I would like to look at the education system from America’s standpoint. Students (such as myself) struggle within the realms of the education system as we feel pressured by the piles of assignments and exams stacking up beneath us, the fear of feeling alone, the pressure of keeping up with the “4.0 GPA” mentality, and society telling us to compete against others in a race to success. We are advised to always stay on track because life will keep moving whether we want to be a part of the race or not. This is evident in Steve Cutt’s Video, “Happiness,” as he demonstrates a closer look into a mouse’s life as he faces some challenges we all know too well. This mouse is continuously looking for his definition of happiness throughout the video, as he turns to dangerous modes of relief and superficial materials to relieve his pain. Like many individuals today hiding behind a zoom screen, we may feel alone and completely isolated from the rest of the world. I know that I feel pressured to meet the standards of those around me -- meaning a 4.0 GPA, a paid internship, and active social life. Whenever I fall below those lines or my test anxiety gets the best of me, I feel like I am seen as a failure. I feel as if I was a disappointment to myself and my education. It feels like no matter how fast I run, barriers stop me from succeeding. And the biggest obstacle to date, realizing that we are not alone. If we look at the deeper picture behind mental health, it is not a sign of failure, and it never will be. I am still in the process of learning this for myself and learning to cope, but I wouldn’t say I was falling behind in the first place. I believe that those who suffer from mental health disorders/illnesses come out stronger in the end. For example, my anxiety pushes me to study for my exams ahead of time which helps me build efficient study techniques for the future. Therefore my anxiety only holds me back temporarily but what it doesn’t know is that I will come out stronger in the end.

However, I understand that many individuals battling mental health issues right now may not be looking at the bright side. It may feel too early for them, or they may shift all the blame onto themselves. And unfortunately, society encourages this and a concept known as Neoliberalism. Neoliberalism encourages individuals to prioritize profit over health and pushes them to believe that they are entirely responsible for their fate (Giroux,1:26 - 6:05). Suffering from anxiety, depression, substance abuse, or any type of mental health issue does not mean it is the individual’s fault or it is their problem alone to solve. Yet, Neoliberalism teaches us that it is our responsibility to determine our fate and, therefore, our responsibility to overcome the mental health stigma all on our own. This ideology is not healthy, as mental health is a significant social issue and affects individuals nationally. If we look at the “Seeing the Self in Context” reading by Dr. Niall Twohig, an individual who falls behind due to their poor mental health may blame it on themselves rather than the society they live in. I see this evident in myself, as I blame my test anxiety on my inability to focus or prepare in advance. In reality, the education system has been designed to pressure students like me into exceeding the markers of success, and I feel like this has weighed on me more during this pandemic. If we look at mental health from an individual or personal standpoint, we might crumble under our failure fears. This mentality that “I am alone” is detrimental to any individual struggling with mental health issues. But if we refrain from personal blame and look at society as a whole, we can see that this is an issue in education and in our nation.

Now that we have determined this significant problem within society, we can consider several solutions in order to shift the responsibility from our shoulders and focus on bettering the education system. But before we discuss this on a larger scale, I want to take a moment to talk about a source of relief to mental illness that many students turn to -- and this ranges from dangerous substances to medication. I personally turned to medication after several months of test and performance anxiety, as it was prohibiting me from doing well on my exams. I constantly felt sick and felt like I lacked focus, so I turned to a specialist who prescribed my anxiety medication. Although I felt like I was much calmer while taking the medication, I was not clearly informed about the side effects. The headaches and stages of nausea also came with waves of depression like I had never felt before. And deep down, I knew that the effects were not worth the slightly better outcomes on my exams as I still struggled on exams. As Melinda Smith explains in her article, drugs provide individuals with “temporary relief,” and the side effects may hit individuals worse than others. I felt as if I couldn’t change the education system or talk to my professors about my test anxiety. So, I turned to medication as it seemed like the simplest option. It was the painful truth that the one thing that I want the most in life (to work in stem cell research in the future) feels unachievable because of my anxiety. Through months and months of temporary relief through medication, I decided to quit and focus on more natural modes of relief. Although taking medication was something I needed to try and others are still trying, I think the education system is flawed if students feel the need to turn to medication instead of seeking communication and guidance from academic advisors.

I believe that the education system values letter grades more than their students learning, just as I value my grades more than my mental health. I want to prioritize my mental health, but my rigorous classes and crammed schedule say otherwise as a biology major. The courses I take are primarily based on exams, where a large percentage makes up my midterms and the remaining percentage for the final. These exams are also heavily analysis-based, and there is always a strict time limit placed to check for a student’s understanding of concepts. These timed exams are my biggest insecurity and a reason why my test anxiety has heightened during the pandemic. Along with the lack of support from peers and advisors since starting remote classes. Non-proctored exams (in my case) meant less time to complete exams, which sends me into a rush of panic. But what I wonder is why schools place a time limit in the first place? If academic dishonesty is the issue, cameras can be turned on, or programs that track student’s movements can also be used. In the real world, we have time to make decisions and come up with valuable hypotheses to back-up our claims. Timed exams measure how fast a student can ultimately regurgitate information onto a page, not measure their understanding of a specific concept. But, I understand that proctoring exams may not be practical for every class. Another solution that can protect against dishonesty and benefit students is to give students a chance to redeem a few points after an exam comes to a close. By allowing students to go through their answers and explain why their answer is right or wrong, we reduce the stress of an entirely exam-based class (or a large majority of the class is exam-based) and gives students a chance to understand the course material without fear of failure (Molin et al.). This may also allow professors and TA’s an opportunity to provide feedback to strengthen their students’ core concepts. Additionally, these are just a few examples that can be changed in our education system to alleviate some of the anxiety that individuals may be going through. I think other necessary changes can also be made in the curriculum, where we focus more on engagement with the material and real-world applications. Activating any of these methods can prevent students from falling on a dark path or rethinking their future or field. Students should be encouraged to try again (even if this means on exams) and use their abilities in a stress-free/time-free zone. It would not be fair to say we should abolish the letter grading system, but I think there can be several improvements implemented to alleviate individuals’ stress. With a chance to learn deeply and receive feedback from their mentors, mental health issues due to education can significantly reduce.

If we want to see a student’s full potential in their education, we need to develop different means of success. Whether this includes less emphasis on exams or more emphasis on a student’s capability, the pressure amongst some student’s shoulders may be released. I know that for me, knowing that I may have a chance to redeem myself or demonstrate how much I know without a time limit would be very helpful. As an institution, universities in the nation should prioritize their students’ health and wellbeing instead of what rank they place nationally. As students, we should also begin to realize that we are not alone. Our struggles, experiences, and hardships with mental health are a stepping stone that will lead us in the right direction one day if we choose to push through. And I know this is the truth because I’ve seen a switch from my “I need a 4.0 GPA” mentality to an “I’m trying the best I can and it will be worth it” mentality. And although the change in the education system will not occur immediately, I am trying my best to overcome my anxiety for the time being. I am working more efficiently, spending a little more time on my outside life and activities, and trying to surround myself with supporting individuals as much as I can during this pandemic. I never want anyone to feel like I did at one point, where I felt lost, and that university wasn’t the correct route for me. Therefore, remember that you are not alone. Remember that you do not need to sacrifice your mental health for the sake of your education. Remember that it is okay to take breaks. At the end of the day, I am here for you. We are all here for you as a community.

Works Cited

Giroux, Henry. “Neoliberalism, Youth and Social Justice.” Interview by Alexander Reed Kelly. Truthdig, 14 March 2014.

Goodman, Amy, host. “Coronavirus Pandemic Prompts Global Mental Health Crisis as Millions Feel Alone, Anxious & Depressed.” The Quarantine Report, Democracy Now!, 14 May 2020.

“Happiness.” Youtube, uploaded by Steve Cutts, 24 November 2017.

“Mental Health Myths and Facts.” Mental Health Myths and Facts, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services, 29 Aug. 2017.

Molin, F., Cabus, S., Haelermans, C. et al. “Toward Reducing Anxiety and Increasing Performance in Physics Education: Evidence from a Randomized Experiment.” Research in Science Education, 8 May 2019.

Smith, Melinda, et al. “Anxiety Medication.” HelpGuide, Sept. 2020.

Twohig, Niall. Seeing the Self in Context. 7 March 2021.