The Honeymoon is Over

By Anonymous / Fall 2020

Setting in my room and gazing at relaxing landscape view of La Jolla through the window in my room and realizing the fact that I am in U.S seems to be a dream. Living in the United State looked like an impossible desire to happen seven years ago. At that time, I was processing my first paperwork for U.S. immigrant visa in Afghanistan, my origin country. Although there were no guarantee to get the visa I used to permit myself to dream about settling in the United State.

Sometimes, I asked some Americans citizens that I used to work with them about the United States and also researched a bit online. However those answers I received were either not very descriptive or disappeared in my memory so quickly that I often end up searching my US model of life style in Hollywood movies. Everything about the country looked so fantastic. I believe if some told me about some of issues have been through during these years or I see now, I would have run into a serious argument with them.

Specifically, my model of America and the life style I looked and dreamed for were more of the “The Wolf of Wall Street” or “The Hangover” style.  I accounted for the worst case as well. My worst scenario was having an average life, which I interpreted as getting an average paying job. I was very optimistic and sure that I would easily get a good paying job as an accounting clerk while having a decade work experience with International Organization like Save the Children and Counterpart International in Afghanistan. I wouldn’t believe that things go south and I had to start from scratch.

The honey moon of living in the US was shorter than I expected. Advertisement enclosed almost at the end of every job description that I was applying saying, “We are providing equal job opportunity” didn’t look romantic anymore. The pleasing prosperous life style and society that I couldn’t wait to experience was replacing painfully with a dry, cold and money driven one. It was very hard to see and believe how much my expectations were unrealistic. It was very disappointing to swallow and digest what I was facing and experiencing in the first two years of my life in the United State.

Soon after settling in San Diego, I found myself pushed to accept a night shift job in a grocery store in Downtown where only those who really needed to survive will do it. Similarly, the reason to accept it, in my case, seemed greater than any risk or uncertainty ahead. I found that later on when I already started working there. The store located in Downtown area where the main customers are homeless peoples and occasionally some criminals every night after 10pm. However, I didn’t know about it and I run out of room to doubt my decision. Back then, it looked exactly like a matter of survival. More importantly, I needed it to support my parents and younger siblings in Afghanistan. They needed my financial support directly.

Nevertheless, working in the grocery store which I continued to work for 3 more years helped me to give up on some of my perceptions and desires smoothly or revise them. I found I was not the only one who had crashed with the living in the U.S. so hardly that could not see the reality clearly. Besides, I noticed even some U.S. citizens can barely make a living who grew up in this country and knew the rules of the game better than me. Working as a store clerk helped me to listen to those who lived longer here and I observed the living in the U.S. through their eyes. Some of them were saying it loudly and some I had to read it on their faces. It was a clear and sound message “making a living is getting harder”.  And I am wondering how they image their future. Do they have exactly similar dreams as mine? I also wondered while I gave up on chasing a life style like those in the movie “Wolf of The Wall Street” did they give up too, if they have one like mine?

Now that I am reading more about the U.S. history and constitution, I am facing even further uncomfortable realities. They don’t go together like different poles of magnet. I wonder how can there exist great promises such as Equality and pursuit of happiness while it is also a fact “Making a living is getting harder”.