Behind the Smile

By Gabriela George / Winter 2023

When granting consent, it is assumed that they will respect both you as an individual and your body. That they will not feel entitled to do what they may because you’ve granted them access to your body.  In my freshman year of college I was sexually assaulted. Sexaul assault is defined as sexual acts done intentionally by an individual without the consent of the other person. This can be further extrapolated into coercing or forcing another person to engage in sexual acts when they feel uncomfortable. For a long time, I did not acknowledge that what I had experienced was assault and tried to minimize my internal anguish by saying it was simply a ‘bad hook-up’ experience. Until this point, I had never experienced something so viscerally demeaning and hostile.

To better contextualize how I got to this point, I’d like to start off with what my romantic experiences had been prior to college. During high school I considered myself a well liked individual, but certainly not desirable in any romantic sense. I was friends with a lot of guys in my classes, but knew our relationships were strictly platonic. I was never asked to school dances, had been on a date, or had a boyfriend. While I feel like these are common experiences, it instilled some negative values about myself that influenced how I perceive relationships. I had believed that I wasn’t attractive and that my looks were physical barriers preventing me from entering the ‘dating scene’. So I compensated for my lack in physical appearance by pouring myself into my studies and extracurricular activities. While I excelled in these areas and received accolades for my hard work, it didn't mitigate those destructive feelings I had towards myself. I faked most of the self confidence I had to prove that I could be successful outside of dating. That those romantic experiences are not pivotal to the high school experience and therefore had no importance in my life. In reality, not having any romantic relationships didn’t really affect my experience so to some degree I was right. However, when I got to college I became embarrassed that I did not have the same history as my peers. I wanted to feel connected to them and be able to share my own trials and tribulations of dating. So I went through the process of reinventing my physical appearance. I invested in getting a new wardrobe, working out 5 days a week, and forming better eating habits. According to pop culture references I had a ‘glow up’. This informal term refers to a positive personal transformation involving a change in physique, style, and overall confidence. While I did see these changes happening to me, it still didn’t change the way I felt about myself internally. In reality, I felt the same way as I did in high school, but had the ability to suppress these negative thoughts through external validation.

As a result of my efforts, I started to see that people (men) were taking an interest in me. All of a sudden I had all this newfound attention and I didn’t know what to do with it. I felt lucky to receive any attention or validation from a man whatsoever because in high school I had been subconsciously conditioned to feel that way. That if a man were to show me an ounce of affection or take the time to talk to me that I should be grateful. This led to some poor decision making on my part, resulting in negative dating experiences and being treated as less than my actual value. In part this was due to the fact that I so desperately craved the approval of being attractive to men and to prove to others that I was capable of being attractive. But mostly, I was trying to prove to myself that I was sexy, appealing, and desirable because in high school I was none of those things. I continued to find flaws in myself and went to great lengths to prove that I could be ‘perfect’ and greatly desired.

My first few months as a college student felt incredibly isolating and disorienting. I was in a new environment, surrounded by a multitude of people, and experiencing a lot of the big ‘firsts’ of being at school. Consequently, making me vulnerable to negative people and experiences that tainted the impressions I had going in. I was only four months into the academic school year when I was assaulted. According to RAINN, college students are more likely to be assaulted in the first few months of their first and second semester of college, with approximately 50% of assaults occurring during this time frame. Moreover, 26.4% of undergraduate females experience physical violence or sexual assault. Seeing this statistic was incredibly saddening, as I had not managed to evade this experience. Instead, I became a living statistic and resented myself for allowing myself to become a part of the ‘norm’. However, my experience is not uncommon. Approximately, 1 in 5 women in college will experience sexual assault on campus. This egregious number has proliferated not because of the naivety of young women or their provocativeness enticing the wrong kind of person—it stems from the social expectations men have of women and how they should act. Yes, there are bad seeds and they deserve to be punished for their actions, but this speaks to a larger systemic problem happening in society.

Attempting to deal with my feelings of distress subsequent to this experience compelled me to believe that the only way that I would heal would be through retribution. I wanted my aggressor to feel the same pain, fear, and shame that I had. To take away something from them. But I soon realized that my anxieties and inner turmoil revolving around this experience would not be resolved by taking direct action. Like John Steinbeck’s Grapes of Wrath, I was the tenant farmer trying to expend my anger and frustrations onto one person. The tenant farmer too saw a means to an end by shooting the man in the industrial tractor. But like the industrious man  said, “there’s nobody to shoot. [and] Maybe the thing isn’t men at all” (Steinbeck, Chapter 5). I was blinded by the issue created by one person and not seeing a greater evil capitalizing off of society. My aggressor, like the industrious man, was only a proliferator of the problem, but not the problem itself. It spoke beyond just the tendencies of men, but to a greater social issue taught and reinforced within society.

The social expectation that women should be both exuberant but docile, smart but demure, and sexy but conservative, is an unattainable standard. This double standard is placed upon young women and reinforced as they grow up. If they veer too far into one direction then they’re categorized as too promiscuous or alternatively, a prude. Thus, a woman is taught to be a precariat, or according to economist Guy Standing, a person existing precariously without predictability or security. The neoliberal perversion of feminism recognizes gender inequality and sexual harassment as a continuance of a greater disparity in society. However, it neglects the structural social inequalities that catalyze these issues. The neoliberal order forces atomization of people, even in ‘group’ movements, in order to maintain a status quo. Meaning, that whilst feminism is considered a collective movement of women there is still a high degree of individualism that prevents mutualism from occurring. Instead it evokes women to be self -sufficient in regards to their well being and self care, thus only catering to one demographic of women- the middle to upper class. This decentralizes the purposes of the movement as a vast majority of women are then displaced from its original goals. For instance, the #The MeToo movement was originally made by black activist Tarana Burke, who sought to aid underprivileged women of color who are affected by sexual abuse and violence. However, the purpose of the movement was quickly co-opted by white liberal women and used for their personal advancement. Thus, the individual is then prioritized in the movement, despite feminism calling for a resolution to a communal struggle. Because it's oriented on the singular advancement of individuals this mutes mass mobilization from occurring or the accomplishment of ‘social justice’. Moreover, it has underserved the community it was created for and erased their voices from this constructive narrative. The neoliberal order has thus turned feminism into a fruitless movement that doesn’t deeply shake the powers in place. If there was truly a profound change occurring from such events, then the statistics of assault involving both college and non-college students would be significantly less. The perversion of the goals of feminism has allowed for these issues to proliferate and instead focuses on the economic incentives of feminism.

However, this isn't to say that the #MeToo movement hasn’t created positive social strides. The movement has also carried out some cultural progress in exposing how male entitlement has saturated our culture. As I previously stated, I felt that I needed to change my appearance to feel like I was attractive enough to earn male attention. But that is precisely the problem. I had been subconsciously conditioned to believe that my physical appearance should take precedence over intellect or wit. This stems from a greater social issue where women are trained to cater to the needs of men. Whether through acts of service or self ‘beautification,’ women are performative to meet those expectations. In turn this amplifies the sense of entitlement men feel towards women. To be blunt, their license to possess women. For instance, when I told my aggressor that he was physically hurting me, he showed very little indifference. Why is that? He knows that what he is doing is wrong, but for some reason finds it acceptable that he is doing it. I agree there are simply bad people out there, but seeing as this is a prevalent issue across campuses nationally that there is a deeper issue occurring. It’s because he felt entitled to me and my body. My aggressor rationalized that because I had given consent, that he was at liberty to dispose of me in any manner he wanted. Thus, the degree of pain  I experienced exhibited his utter indifference and disrespect towards women. What he did to me was indeed heinous, atrocious, and cruel. It showed his utter disregard towards women and the greater systemic issue that women are at the disposal of men. This shallow view of women and the feminine experience has allowed assault statistics to proliferate. It has created a society that points the finger at men, but doesn’t analyze the deeper issue occurring. That there has been a cultural belief instilled within us that women are supposed to be compliant to men and their expectations.

I am aware that my experience with sexual assault is not an exception and that my aggressor has or will do it again if they are provoked. But, he is not the sole perpetrator of the problem, as the issue runs rampant within our society. So how did sexual assault become so pervasive? This speaks to the rigid “traditional” gender roles ingrained within society that reinforce gender inequality. In a society where men are depicted as being innately aggressive and women as passive, it makes their hostile behavior acceptable. This gives men a pass when they display particularly aggressive behavior and moreover reinforces the notion that they are entitled to expend their power over others. Thus further encouraging women to be complacent when violent acts occur. Complacency then in turn prevents women from speaking out against these issues and forces a negative rationalization of the event. I remember when I was going through this experience all I could think was “it’ll be over soon and then I can go home”. I was complacent to what was happening to me and too scared to take action. It is important to recognize in this event though, that the perpetrators, NOT  the victims, are responsible for sexual assault for occuring. Otherwise the dilemma of victim blaming becomes prevalent. Due to these engrained behavioral and cultural beliefs regarding gender inequality, we have enabled sexual violence through victim blaming. This further contributes to a societal norm where perpetrators are not held accountable for their actions and therefore perpetuates and encourages further acts of sexual violence. Victim blaming therefore plays a role in which women are atomized and bear full responsibility for the crime that was committed against them. And is moreover justified through obscene observations about their behavior, dress, or lifestyle as an explanation for what transpired. I in no way intended to be assaulted. Yet, I had heard this shallow view when I first spoke out about my experience. I remember hearing “well if you were more careful” or “maybe it was the way you presented yourself” as excuses for my abuser. I never intended to be assaulted and yet I was harboring the blame for his actions.  Thus, when society approaches issues like these by looking strictly at an individual basis, we neglect to see the greater problem occuring.  This reinforces neo-conservative values  embedded within the neoliberal ideology. It reinforces that the individual bears the burden of their actions. That they had control over their own destiny and it was out of their own volition that they got hurt. Victim blaming is incredibly divisive as it perpetuates the trend of sexual assault and violence within society and negates the actual issue from being realized. The precariat lifestyle is therefore incredibly aligned with the female experience, as we are dependent upon the good intentions of others to ensure our safety. This tightrope which women walk can have dire consequences if leaning too far into one direction thus always putting us in a state of jeopardy.

So what is the solution to sexual assault? While there is not a singular clear cut methodology to stopping sexual assault from occuring all together there are ways we create a stronger intolerance towards it. The key to such a breakthrough is solidarity. Solidarity not only amongst women, but also those that have compassion and empathy for those who are survivors of assault (regardless of gender orientation). Neoliberal feminist practices need to be discarded in order to revert back to the true intentions of the cause. To help create an equitable environment for women in which we do not have to live in fear of becoming a statistic. To stop looking on an individual basis and instead broaden our scope to mass suffrage. To practice empathy in a space where the individual plight is considered self-inflicted. Movements like #MeToo need to have constant support and exposure to ensure that the public is cognizant of this rampant issue. That a celebrity case shouldn’t define a movement as their sensationalization fades with time. Exposure simply is not enough to create systemic cultural change. The goals of #MeToo are important and serve to represent a marginalized community and bring to light an extreme lack of attention towards assault and violence statistics. There needs to be a communion of people in order to foster real change. Like I mentioned before, mass mobilization is a key to really shaking the powers that govern our society. If there is not a collective call to action then the message of the movement can become muddled by other side projects. Having a presently active community that creates a platform for people to be outspoken and foster awareness about assault is pivotal to these statistics going down. As a victim of assault I can see that this issue will not go away overnight. However, if we continue to hold aggressive men accountable for their actions and prosecute them we create a culture that shows no tolerance for such actions. That  “boys will be boys” is not an acceptable justification for their malpractices and that they need to practice mindfulness. That women are not objects that you can possess but autonomous human beings that deserve fair and equal treatment.  I am not asking for equal results, but I am asking for equal opportunity for women. The opportunity to not live precariously on the edge and understand what it means to have security in themselves and their environment.  I am proud of myself for not only speaking out against my aggressor, but also seeing results from my words. I saw that my words had an effect with those I spoke with about my incident and I hope that as more people become outspoken that they too will notice a positive change.

Works Cited

Catherine Rottenberg Marie Curie Fellow in Sociology. “How Neoliberalism Colonised Feminism – and What You Can Do about It.” The Conversation, 8 Feb. 2023.

“Campus Sexual Violence: Statistics.” RAINN.

“Precariat.” Wikipedia, Wikimedia Foundation, 16 Mar. 2023.

The Representation Project. “The Co-Opting of Black Women's Movements.” The Representation Project, 13 July 2021.

Steinbeck, John. “The Grapes of Wrath, Ch. 5”.