The Toxic Context That Forces You Into the Closet

By Sami Farsoudi / Spring 2022

Dear Sami,

You are a young sixteen-year-old boy in high school. You have such great qualities that unfortunately, you don’t even see right now. Those qualities are hiding internally along with all of your other insecurities. You have been telling yourself that homosexuality is not something to be open about so instead, you’ve been telling everyone you’re straight to follow everyone’s expectations. I understand that you feel scared of how everyone will treat and perceive you because of your sexual orientation. However, understand what I’m about to tell you. When you overcome your insecurity of your sexual orientation, you will become so powerful, people will begin to admire your confidence and probably, find you more attractive. You also need to understand that there are reasons why homophobia exists and why people are hurting you for not being the same as the other boys. If you read the rest of this letter, you will learn how to jumpstart the journey of your self-worth and know what you are truly capable of.

Sadly, homophobia is popular in high school, especially with the toxically masculine jocks. Those jocks may sexually harass you to get a laugh out of surrounding peers. Some people, including ones you would never expect, like teachers, imitate your voice to show how unordinary it is for a man to have that kind of voice and mannerisms. People have asked you the infamous question “are you gay” without wanting to get to know your other characteristics. There are reasons for those behaviors. You may find this hard to believe, but homophobia is not necessarily only directed from straight people. Internalized homophobia is a common phenomenon that people usually don’t talk about, but that doesn’t mean it doesn’t exist. It is when someone has same-sex urges, feelings, or desires that they don’t want to admit so they repress all of that internally while also hating on gay people to ensure themselves and others that they are not gay. So, to relate to you, those toxically masculine jocks that love to bully you for having a flamboyant personality, and overall, being different than most boys, probably are gay and perhaps find you attractive. They want to target vulnerable people, like you, and project their insecurities. They hurt you because they are insecure with their masculinity so they feel the need to gain a sense of attention for their masculinity by targeting young gay flamboyant boys. The thing is men are raised with such values that are toxic. Men are raised to be tough, competitive, and to bear no feelings at all. I’m sure you’ve heard the phrase “don’t be a sissy” many times and that has become ingrained into the minds of men, which then follows into “true men cannot act like women” and then “true men cannot like other men”. These expectations from gender roles have been damaging more than benefitting, which is why they should be broken. I know this is easier said than done, but it is true. You may like to watch movies or TV shows that are usually aimed towards a feminine audience, but toxically masculine jocks will bully, tease, or make fun of you for that. Understand that when they do that, they are projecting their insecurities onto you, indicating that they are insecure with their masculinity. Also, I know your brother is another toxically masculine jock that shares the same values as the ones in your school so homophobic values from family members is another issue to address.

Homophobia is common inside the walls of family homes. I’m sure you know that parents may reject their child after coming out to them. After the child comes out, a parent may kick that child out of their home and the child will be homeless for quite some time. It’s a harsh reality for gay adolescents. Your mother doesn’t have a positive view on the LGBTQ+ community. However, she was born and raised in Iran, a country that enforces such gender-conforming laws followed by rules from the Quran. I’m not justifying her homophobia but, understand that your mother received a different viewpoint on life than you. America is very different than Iran. The Quran has been the main benefactor for the laws created in Iran. In that country, men and women are segregated in buses, gyms, schools, and many other places. People cannot perform public displays of affection, including holding hands. Alcohol is completely illegal. Those rules have also made your mom and the rest of Iran believe that people of the same-sex cannot be in a relationship. Even though Iran has a negatively strong viewpoint of same-sex couples, the rest of the world have similar reasons why homophobia is so prevalent.

Every single place in the world is raised with such heteronormative values. Heteronormativity is the belief that heterosexuality is the normal expression of sexuality. Most children everywhere grow up believing the only version of marriage is between men and women. Children grow up listening to stories of how the prince and princess fall in love. When they grow up and realize that people of the same sex fall in love with each other, most of the time, they become disgusted. They don’t understand how someone may be attracted to the same sex so they are somewhat afraid of it, hence the definition of homophobia. Basically, it is society’s fear of the unknown. So even though people hurt you for your flamboyant nature or attraction to other boys, this is because heteronormative values were passed down from generations ago to modern times. Like your mom, people don’t understand how a boy could be attracted to another boy. Religion is another concept to add to the topic of heteronormativity. Religious texts have indicated that same-sex intercourse and attraction are deviant, sinful acts and those who commit them are damned for all eternity. These ideologies don’t make sense as people know that God loves everybody, but society wants to pass down heteronormative values through religious practices, using religion to justify homophobia.

I promise you that the more you understand where homophobia can stem from, you will see the world in a much brighter light. When you see that it’s not necessarily the people to blame but the heteronormative values that are ingrained into people’s minds, then you will also know that you cannot blame yourself for what you cannot help. You and your sexual preference are not the problem. It is the values that are passed throughout time that interfere with the right to love one another freely, let alone be free.

Sincerely,

Sami Farsoudi