The Context That Shaped My Struggle With Anorexia

By Anonymous / Fall 2020

Throughout my life, I have struggled with a body image and eating disorder, anorexia. When I was 13 years old, it was the start of my fight with anorexia. Anorexia is an eating disorder, where individuals restrict the amount of food they eat because of the fear of gaining weight. This disorder causes people to obsess about their weight and body image. It is a mental illness that has become way to common in society. I have seen the effects of social media, the pressures of society, and the unrealistic expectation placed on teenagers to be a certain weight. This is a social problem that is more prevalent in the 21st century than has ever been before. For example, “nearly half of all Americans personally know someone with an eating disorder” and moreover, anorexia has the highest mortality rate of any mental illness (Department of Mental Health). Yet, I feel as if anorexia gets shoved under the rug.

My struggles with anorexia started with obsessing over gaining weight. When I was 13 years old, I reached over 100 pounds and was given a nickname by my brothers, “triple digits”. This nickname fueled my insecurities as a teenager who already saw herself as flawed. From there, I deliberately stopped eating meals during school lunch, and then progressively stopped eating entirely. During this time, I was weighing myself every day with the hope that the numbers would go down, and they did. I was now under 100 pounds, but what was next? Well, anorexia in its nature is addictive and toxic because once you start, you always find a reason to keep going. I thought to myself that I wanted to be like the Victoria Secret Model of a celebrity I saw on television. In my eyes, they were beautiful and skinny. As a teenager, I associated success and beauty with how much I weighed and if I was skinny everyone would like me. So, every morning and every night I would weigh myself, and read the numbers 99 lbs., 95 lbs., 90 lbs. on the scale. However, prior to this, I was considered to be normal weight but, I cared too much about my appearance, weight, and body shape, so I used anorexia as my vice. I always found something wrong with how I looked, or the number on the scale. I often compared myself to other girls or women and judged myself so harshly. I would bundle up my stomach fat or skin and saw myself as overweight. I spent most of my day consumed worrying about my weight and how I looked. For reference, I was 5’5 and 110 pounds in eighth grade. By the time I reached high school, I was 100 pounds and continued to lose weight as I was working out rigorously during high school water polo practice. You could see all the bones on my body and I still was not happy with my appearance.

Talking about my mental illness is scary, and vulnerable. The fear of being judged about my weight in the past, and now I face the fear of being judges again for my actions. Friends and family do not understand why I did it, and to be quite frank there was no good reason in hindsight. But I was able to justify my own actions at the time. That is very common for people who have dealt with anorexia because, at the time of suffering, everything you were doing was for a purpose or a goal, but now it looks “stupid”. People do not want to be seen as their disease. Researchers found that those who suffer from eating disorders have a biological imbalance in their brain chemistry that creates a preoccupation with weight and food (Stinson). This biological imbalance interferes with a person’s ability to experience joy, healthy relationships, freedom, self-love, and peace (Stinson).

It is important to stress the importance of educating others to see a person as who they are and not their looks or weight. But that cannot happen without a real conversation of the systemic issue at hand. The journey of recovery for many consists of a lot of up and downs but there is a light at the end of the tunnels for those who become aware and gain support from those around them. My eye-opening experience was hitting the concrete pool deck water polo practice to realize that I was killing myself. I looked death in the eyes when everything went black. Once I regained consciousness, my coach and team surrounded me and realized that someone they thought had it all and was “perfect”, was not. I was able to mask my pain and disease for so long. No one heard for cry for help. I was all alone and my illness consumed me.

My journey to recovery was not an easy one but with the support of friends and family I was able to overcome it. I am now healthy and my body is healing from the tragedy. Five years later, I still suffer from guilt and shame for my actions, but more than that I have health problems from my actions. Because of my eating disorder, I have low blood pressure, a decreased metabolism, and infertility. I may never have kids because of an action I did in my teenage years. This action may affect my entire life and my chances of ever becoming a mom because I did not realize how severe my actions were. In that moment, I just thought it was normal and society validated it. Anorexia is a mental illness but, with societal awareness and solidarity, we can put an end to this mindset.

There is a systemic issue that lies within society. The impact of mainstream media can be deadly. It is a very misunderstood disease and complex because it affects your body, spirit, and mind. Young girls see these 5’10” and 110-pound Victoria’s Secret models or the celebrities on the covers of magazines and think that’s how they should look. They are declared to be the most beautiful women in the world and sets unrealistic standards for women. Young girls see this as what they need to look like in order to be classified as beautiful or successful. This culture of praising the skinny, or toned women is unhealthy for society. It puts pressure on women to fulfill this unsaid criterion in order to love themselves. This stems from gender norms and the male gaze because women are placed under immense social pressure to maintain this gender order. As a process, gender creates social differences that defines a man and woman (Lorber). Women begin to take on these gendered practices into everyday lives and it affects us more than we think. We commit acts of self-destruction in order to fit into this criterion and it reproduces a society view of how women should act (Lorber). We become what society wants us. Our pain and suffering become invisible.  Gendered schema allows anorexia to hide and allows for the continuance of these acts of self-destruction to maintain this gendered order. In addition, it stems from social media, and in itself, it is a toxic culture that stresses achieving the perfect weight. It stigmatizes that a beautiful woman has to have that perfect body. But a picture is photoshopped and altered. It bestows a false reality upon women and even false expectations. Young women may begin comparing themselves to that person in the photo, which becomes unhealthy. I posit that this is the real systemic problem that exists in society. No one should ever suffer what I went through. There needs to be an awareness of the pressures that society puts on young girls and boys to have the perfect body, and to look a certain way. Social media like Instagram, YouTube, and Snapchat is pernicious.

The stigma that exists in the 21st century surrounding body image is destructive. Everyone should be comfortable in their own skin and love their body. A body does not have to be just like the girls on the Victoria Secret runway. You can have curves and be over 100 pounds to be pretty. Your weight does not define your beauty, you do. If you want to have a piece of cakeor a cookie you should not have to feel guilty. You should not have to go to the gym twice as long if you do. Moreover, the number on the scale should not define you. That number is nothing more than a number on a scale. It does not measure happiness. Scales are dangerous in my opinion because that number begins to define you. It defined me. I would see the number and tell myself “I cannot eat today” or “I can only have an apple today”. However, when I finally stopped weighing myself I began to heal and gained confidence.

Where did this stigma come from? Well, the short answer is neoliberalism and competitive individualism. However, the answer goes beyond that and it started with an American Dream. The American Dream is the national ethos of our country and yet, it placed an undue burden on many women. Women were supposed to be subordinate, beautiful, and be the perfect mother in those times. That is what they were told and that is what is expected. Men rained over women, and women bowed down to them. This began to sculpt the systemic issue of gender norms for women in America. That is what leads us to eating disorders so we can fulfill this criterion of gender norms. Is this life we’re told to strive for really the “good life”? (Twohig, Lecture 13). No, this is not the good life! This life of oblivion is full of self-hatred, insecurities, and subordination to men. However, as time went on we shifted towards a new world of neoliberalism, where it promotes profit over people (Monbiot). Women again do not have a voice. This type of competitive individualism pits others against each other in the fight for the American Dream. It takes more than hard work and determination. Sadly, it takes competition and winning at the costs of other individuals. Women are being pushed towards a life that a man wants, and in Chomsky’s words, women are pushed towards the mall rather than libraries. (Chomsky). From my perspective, the denouncement of women and mental health can be traced back to all of these ideologies.

The shift to neoliberalism and competitive individualism has shaped our lives today without even knowing it. The author of “American Anomie”, Chris Hedges, explains how the disintegration of social bonds can drive individuals to acts of self-destruction. Societal bonds “gives individuals a sense of being a part of a collective and engaged in a project larger than the self” which provides “meaning, a sense of purpose, status and dignity”. (Hedges). Without societal bonds, we see individuals commit acts of self-destruction, like anorexia. Shattering of these bonds “plunges individuals into deep psychological distress that leads ultimately to acts of self-annihilations” and moreover, Durkheim called this “state of hopelessness and despair anomie, which he defined as “ruleless-ness”” (Hedges). The term anomie, created by French sociologist Emile Durkheim, refers to the distress individuals go through from the shattering of social bonds that is promoted in neoliberalism and competitive individualism (Hedges). We believe life is consumed with materialistic items and followers rather than meaningful connections. In this distress, anorexia wears a mask and becomes untouchable. We can hide behind these ideologies so we don’t have the face what’s really in front of us. Anorexia becomes normalized during these times, but it can have a lasting effect on your mental and physical health. Moreover, this state of rule less-ness does not create a sense of solidarity but, division. As capitalism advances in America, it will continue to dismantle social bonds and seeing them as an impediment. Anorexia is a form of self-annihilation due to a shift to a more competitive society and the destruction of societal bonds. Neoliberalism causes individuals to compete against each other in more than one way. Without strong social bonds, we turn to a form of self-annihilation to fill the void inside of us. In my case, it was anorexia. It was easier to appear and look a certain way than to accept what was wrong with the society around me. Anorexia allowed me to look as if I was this perfect, happy, skinny girl from Orange County and turn a blind eye to surface level friendships I had.

How did anorexia become so prevalent in our society? Humans are social creatures who need social bonds to thrive. Deprived of these connections we face the overwhelming physiological pain of anomie. We turn to vices like anorexia to fill the void inside. We compete against one other at the cost of our own life sometimes. We try too hard to epitomize the roles we are forced to play as women. Reports have justified the increase of eating disorders to the social pressures resulting from standards imposed on female beauty by the modern industrial society or Western Culture (Makino). One in every 5 females has faced an eating disorder by the time they reach 40 years old (Department of Mental Health). Why is that? Well in my opinion, with the division of individuals and the social pressures placed on females, to fill the emptiness of connections we turn to anorexia. We treat others as a competitive threat through appearance and the fear of gaining weight and furthermore, being “fat” in comparison to others. In addition, social bonds are discouraged leaving people feeling lonely, and individuals as competitors. This unhealthy competition leads to severe consequences that can last a lifetime. But you may not realize that until it’s too late. Looking deeply at the systemic problem prevalent in society today makes you look beyond the surface and realize that society needs to unite to fight corporate domination.

How do we solve this systemic problem? Well, the challenge is individuals banning together in the name solidarity. The protest of the 1968 Miss America beauty pageant that launched the Women’s Liberation in the public consciousness fought against all the false ways women have to look, dress, and act (“No More Miss America.”). They came together in solidarity and used their voices to bring awareness to the systemic problem. Solidarity supports all people, everyone is equal and everyone is fighting the same fight. But solidarity is hard to come by when society’s pendulum is shifting right. However, the pendulum can still shift to another side through solidarity. On that side, there is no feeling of loneliness or “ruleless-ness”. When we come together, we can make a change. We are stronger together than apart. If there is solidarity, there will be change. Change is for the better because change means growth and awareness. Through growth and awareness, we can come together and change the systemic problem facing many Americans today and around the world. Through unity and smashing the tools of male domination like a scale into a million pieces, we take back our power. That number on the scale is no longer holding you back and now we can be the voices that take a stand to the systemic problem, anorexia. As a person who has suffered for many years from an eating disorder, I see this systemic problem. But, my disease does not define me, it is what makes me stronger, it gives me confidence and gives me a voice. With that attitude, we can shift perspectives and change the world.

Works Cited

Chomsky, Noam.. “Requiem for the American Dream (2016).” Tubi, 1 Jan. 2016.

Department of Mental Health. “South Carolina Department of Mental Health.” Eating Disorder Statistics. 

Lorber, Judith. “The Social Construction of Gender.” Inequality in the 21st Century, 2018, pp. 347–352., doi:10.4324/9780429499821-61. 

Hedges, Chris. “American Anomie”. Truthdig, 24 September 2018.

Makino, Maria, et al. “Prevalence of Eating Disorders: A Comparison of Western and Non-Western Countries.” National Center for Biotechnology Information, U.S. National Library of Medicine, 2004.

Monbiot, George. “Neoliberalism – the Ideology at the Root of All Our Problems.” The Guardian, Guardian News and Media, 15 Apr. 2016. 

“No More Miss America.” Redstockings, 1968. 

Stinson, Sarah. “Reflections from an Eating Disorders Therapist.” Mayo Clinic Health System, 2016. 

Twohig, Niall. WCWP 100, Nov. 12, 2020, Warren College Student Activities Center, University of California, San Diego.