In Order to Escape Its Chrysalis, a Butterfly Grows One Hundred Times Bigger

By Anonymous / Spring 2022

Dear H,

Long time no talk, or should I say nice to talk to you for the first time. I have been watching your life journey this whole time though you might not have noticed. I worried that you would be lonely without mommy but I am glad your grandmother was there to love and support you. I was worried when you moved to the States because you were timid and still quite young. Yet you adapted to the new language, culture, and environment admirably. I also watched how hard you tried to get along with your dad.  Well, you know, and I know, your dad is a stubborn man, but you dealt with him wisely. Thank you for being strong and growing up through the storm of your teenage years. I am proud of how you grew up to be the Hailey you are today.

You are finally in your twenties. How does it feel? I could see that you are frustrated over not attending university and struggling through your conflicts with your dad. But you know what? Though it might be frustrating, don’t feel guilty about how your life is going at the moment, or how it may not go in the right direction. There is a right time for everything. You would probably know this from your experience. You thought you had a plan in Korea. You were going to attend high school, then university in Korea. You were expecting to live your teenage years and the rest of your life in Korea. However, immigrating to the States changed everything. You left your grandma and all your friends. You had to spend the rest of your teenage years in the U.S. not speaking English and having difficulty adapting to the culture. But from that experience, you learned different languages, met diverse people, and it gave you the dream and goals that are valuable to you. It wasn’t quite the path or future you planned, but from the detour, you learned so many valuable things and had teenage years that you cherish. You are thankful and glad you moved to the States.

Your twenties is just another detour. Not going to university straight out of high school and facing your conflict with your dad, are all part of the detour from your planned path where you will learn from and grow up to be a better person, a stronger Hailey. Have you heard about how a butterfly matures? Before the butterfly came to be, there was a caterpillar trapped in a shell. In order to escape, it has to grow 100 times bigger until it is strong enough to overcome the pressure of the shell, and become a butterfly. Your twenties is a journey in which you are a growing caterpillar. Even though your life doesn’t look like how you planned or expected it to be and even if it is a little slow, don’t worry. You will grow through the pain and obstacles that come your way to eventually become a beautiful butterfly.

The hardest “shell”, the obstacle, for you right now seems to be how you feel like a failure because you didn’t go to university after high school, and how you have conflicts with your dad from that. Well, you know it is not your fault and it is not because you didn’t try hard. Throughout your teenage years, you did your best to adapt to the new environment, and to improve your English. You attended ESL classes every evening at community college through high school years, and you spent every weekend at libraries studying English.  You did your best and I am proud of you. I hope you can be proud of yourself and recognize your accomplishments rather than being harsh on yourself. How can you do well on the SAT when you just moved to the States in 10th grade? How can you compete against other students who spent their whole lives in the country speaking the language?

You are rushing. And I could see why. Your grandma sent you to after school classes until midnight throughout your childhood, and you grew up spending all your time on studies. You grew up with a competitive lifestyle, and it became part of you, in both lifestyle and your thoughts. The way you spent your childhood and teenage years made you believe strongly that your worth is dependent on your grades and school. But do you know, it is actually not your grandma, or your dad, that made you grow up that way. It is the society that forced them to raise you in such a way. It might be hard to see and understand right now, but society needs workers that would work hard without complaints to maintain the capitalistic system. Society promotes the idea that the only way to succeed is to work hard in order to churn the most profit. In that way, people in the system would work hard from their “own will”. Society defined prestigious universities and wealth as the sole means of success. If you don’t follow that path, you are a failure. 

Your grandma and your dad are, after all, products of this capitalistic society and they raised you with the ideology that promotes competition. Your dad is not good at expressing his feelings and love, but you know he loves you. You know he wants the best for you, and hopes you have a happy life. He believes that competition is the means of success for you. However, because he is not you, he doesn’t know what is best for you.

You may wonder what you can do to fix things and resolve the conflicts between the two of you. Maybe it is time. Maybe both of you need some time and space to learn and realize how to be better to each other. As fearful as you are, your dad is too. Don’t rush, don’t feel pressure to fix anything right now. Time can fix it. You love each other. You know, the older you get, like it or not, you are becoming very much like him, in both personality and the way you act. You two are family. If you just give it time, there will be a day when you will understand each other and express feelings in a more mature way.

H, don’t rush with your studies and experience the world. There are beautiful places and exciting things to explore out there. I could tell you because I have experienced it. I have traveled and I have spent time enjoying my hobbies. Because you have spent all your time in your life studying, you might not have had enough time to find your interests, passions, and what you truly enjoy. You might have forgotten about things that you love and are passionate about. But do you remember, when you were young, you really enjoyed drawing and writing. You created a website where you would upload your writings on, and you would draw and write short stories on your little notebook every night to show your friends at school. In high school, you wanted to make films so you learned filmmaking until your dad told you to quit and join the honors program for university preparatory courses. You had the eyes to see the tiny little details in the world with the lens that other people couldn’t see.  You also liked exploring new languages. You wanted to write poems in different languages. Learn a new language. Doing so will open your eyes and it will become a window to understand different cultures and the lives of people.  You haven’t had time to look around the world because you are too busy with your studies.

The H that I know, who was able to see the world in a creative and beautiful way, is stuck with a tunnel vision because you are too focused on the path in front of you. Try doing things you enjoy, and open your eyes to see the world. If you get to know and understand yourself, you might be able to understand others like your dad. You will learn that people have different lifestyles, goals and standards of life. You are currently seeing the world with the competition mindset as your grandma has taught you. With those same eyes, your dad may seem like a failure. You don’t see the ambition and passion he has for his life. You don’t see that his definition of a successful life is not money or career. Filling up his life with hobbies he loves, donating and spreading love to his friends are happiness for him. If you can live your life doing things that make you happy, surrounded by people you love and love you back, how successful is that life? Why would you even need money? You haven’t learned yet, but your dad understands how important connection, love and community are, and it became the goal of his life. You are seeing your dad’s life in your shoes, as a daughter. However, if you get to see his life in his shoes, the life he has lived, you might be able to understand him better. As you know, he lost his wife. His well-paying job and wealth didn’t protect your mom’s health.  Perhaps that is when your dad realized that people and connections are more important than money.

What would you do if you only had one day left to live? Would you go study at the library, would you go to work? Probably not. You would want to spend time doing things you enjoy, with people you love. Your dad is living like today is the last day of his life, and today is the last day he gets to spend time with his friends. H, I hope you live your best life and stay in the present, instead of giving up your joy and happiness for your possible future. Go find yourself. Go find things you love, meet people you love, and spread love.

Lastly, I want to remind you that you are surrounded by people that love you. Your grandma, your dad, and your friends. They all love you. And before anyone else, and more than anyone else, I love you.

H