On Becoming Aimless

By Isabel Cerna / Winter 2022

Introduction

Anytime anyone has asked me how I am enjoying “college life” I have told them that I am having a great time and working hard. The reality is I spend most of my days completing the same mundane routine; wake up, go to work, go to class, go to practice, do homework, go to bed. Of course, in between these activities I have moments to spend with my friends to get lunch, or call a family member on the way to class, but actually enjoying these moments is nearly impossible. Talking with my friends over lunch is often under a time constraint and usually just consists of us talking about how exhausted we are or the problems we had to deal with that day. When I call my family members it is usually a very shallow conversation, where I address how my grades are and how all my extracurriculars are going. Thus, a lot of these conversations do not really feel like meaningful interactions. I have actually found it really difficult to have meaningful interactions with most people while trying to also do my best as a student.

The Guilt of Wasting Time

A few weeks ago my water polo team was going to be spending the weekend at the University of Arizona for a tournament. Once I found out about this I texted one of my old friends from high school, Joe, to see if he wanted to hang out as I would be at his college. The week leading up to the tournament I was so excited and telling all my friends and family how great it was going to be to meet up with Joe and catch up on our lives. Then the day finally came and as I was sitting in that restaurant listening to all the amazing things he is up to, I could not help but feel guilty about an essay that I had not started that was due in two days. Suddenly, all the excitement I felt leading up to this moment had fated and was replaced with anxiety about my grades.

This was not the first time I felt this way, nor would it be the last. And I am sure I am not the only one that feels this way. It seems that no matter how productive of a day you have, the second you take a break, something tells you that you should be working. There is a sense that anytime not spent “working towards your goals” is a waste of time. This is really a result of western culture’s emphasis on material wealth. We are told that money will bring us happiness in the future, but until then we can only work. We have to let go of things that would bring us joy in the present so that we can afford happiness in the future.

Because this unhealthy lifestyle and work ethic is promoted, we are also taught that we should not complain or struggle in achieving our goals. We pretend that the exhausting schedule is fine, and a small sacrifice we make to achieve our goals. Even during my most difficult days, I could not admit to the people I was closest with the real challenges that I- and most other college students- was facing.

The Guilt of Failure

As I saw my grandpa’s photo and name ringing on my phone, I took a deep breath in and answered the phone. “Hola, mija” he answered, as he always did, I replied and he could hear the hesitation and congestion in my voice. He asked if I was feeling sick with a concerned tone. I lied and told him I just had some allergies as the seasons were changing. I knew that he did not want to hear that I was struggling. Struggling to physically keep up, struggling emotionally to be away from my family for so long, struggling to be the granddaughter he was so proud of. Worried, he asked if I needed him to send me some allergy medicine. I reassured him that it was fine, and he changed the subject, to tell me how happy he was that I picked up and how much he had missed hearing my voice, but that he understood that I am working hard and am probably very busy. It pained me to tell him all the amazing things I was doing in college while being so unhappy. Before hanging up my grandpa reminded me he was only two hours away, and would always be available if I needed anything. As he said this I could feel the tears begin to form in my eyes. “Ya lo se, gracias Grandpa, te quiero” (I know, thank you, I love you) I said ending the call before I would begin crying again.

As much as I understood that my grandpa had the best intentions, I also felt that I could never go to him with the problem I was dealing with. Knowing all the sacrifices that man, my grandmother, and my parents had made to help me attend this distinguished university, I thought I would be selfish to burden them with my problems- I just had to figure it out by myself. That was always the solution. I thought that if I admitted to the fact that I was struggling, I would be a failure. Along with these struggles came imposter syndrome. According to the Harvard Business Review, imposter syndrome is “doubting your abilities and feeling like a fraud” and those experiencing imposter syndrome“find it difficult to accept their accomplishments” (Tulshyan, Burey). Despite the fact that I had As in all of my classes, earned a director position in my sorority, and was a starter on my water polo team, I felt like a failure. I could not acknowledge all of my accomplishments because of the fact that they were difficult to keep up with.

Passing on the Guilt

While on the phone with my younger sister, hearing her explain why she failed her calculus exam, and how she could not keep up with her studies, I felt disappointed. All I could think about was how when I was her age, I did more extracurricular activities and had better grades. I told her this and I could tell by her response that she was upset. She had called me looking for sympathy and all I gave her was discouragement, I made her feel like a failure. I am sure that she had done a lot of great things that week in her other classes, or maybe in one of her games, but rather than congratulating her, I chose to remind her how important it is to keep her grades up as she would be applying to colleges- something she definitely already knew. I was perpetuating this toxic ideology that unless you are doing your best at everything then you are not being successful.

While, what I said was unhelpful, and I regret it, I was not entirely wrong. I know how the society we live in works, and I obviously want the best for my sister. With this information, it makes sense why I told her what I did. If she wants to be what this society has deemed “successful” she has to be able to keep up with her classes and all her extracurriculars to go to a good university so that she can get a good job after graduating. However, I think this mindset needs to change. By forcing this unto my younger sister, I am encouraging the same unhealthy systems that led me to burnout, imposter syndrome, and depression. As much as I want to tell myself that I said what I did to help my sister, I should address the fact that while we are different people, the path I encouraged her to follow, is not one that has led me to happiness or success, yet.

Putting My Stories into Context

Each of these stories is linked through the concept of the rat race. The rat race is the practice of individuals, like myself, working and struggling to get to a false sense of success and happiness. We are sold an idea of what happiness should be through media and corporations, rather than discovering what happiness means to us as individuals. As demonstrated through my three examples, the mentality and philosophy of the rat race are pervasive and work in many ways.

One of the ways the rat race works is through competitive individualism, which is the ideology “that one’s hard work, by itself, can lead to success” was instilled in me at a young age- through the education system, through my athletic career, through my retail jobs (Twohig). However, the ideology of competitive individualism is impossible to apply in a society where people are not competing on a level playing field. Historically there has been a race and class hierarchy- a system that intentionally limits groups of people to prevent them from gaining power in this society. In the Gilded Age, white capitalists built monopolies and subjected immigrants, particularly women to wage slavery. The devastating case of the Triangle-Shirtwaist Factory Fire was proof of the way these women were viewed in this capitalist society. They were locked up and under constant supervision. No matter the work these women put in, they would not be able to achieve the success the robber barons had at the time.

While these women were promised some financial security and with that a sense of freedom, they were actually exploited and abused for capital gain. Though the Triangle-Shirtwaist Factory Fire happened over a century ago, the same system that hurt these women is still in place today. We are still fed the same lie of how hard work will lead to monetary success, which will bring us happiness. The only thing that has changed the path that is encouraged to achieve said monetary success. Rather than look for accumulating wealth through standard trade labor, we are often encouraged to go to college, earn a degree and then begin working a “professional” job- an engineer, lawyer, or doctor, preferably. However, the grueling process of reaching success is becoming increasingly difficult. Colleges and universities are becoming more competitive, tuition is becoming more expensive, all with wages post-graduate remaining the same.

The Resolution

The first part of addressing the problem of the rat race is realizing your participation in it, and giving yourself a break. Understand that you are not a failure because you are tired, or because you are not excelling at something the way you were told to. When you feel burnt out, or that you are heading in that direction, take time for yourself. Choose to take a nap, go on a walk, or do anything that makes you feel happy, and would reduce your stress. Be open to asking for help. It is very like that most of the people you are surrounded by feel similarly or have dealt with what you are facing. Recognize that asking for help does not make you any less capable or successful. Understand that the challenges you are facing are not your fault, entirely. There are some situations that are out of your control, and you cannot be the best at everything.

Secondly, you should redefine and personalize success and happiness. Having a corporate job that brings in lots of money is not for everyone, and that is also okay. Take time to discover your own passions and interests. As a part of this, also realize that you do not need to sacrifice happiness now, to achieve happiness in the future. Choose to take time and enjoy moments with friends and family, or just by yourself, where you can remove yourself from the stress that is caused by the rat race. Sometimes missing an assignment is worth it, if it means that you are happy and enjoying your life.

Finally, we need to stop the passing on of this philosophy. Stop pressuring others into following certain career or educational paths, or putting others down for choosing to not follow a route that would lead to your idea of success. Let your friends and family know that it is okay to struggle, to ask for help, and to fail, and be there for them when they are facing those challenges. Remind them that not everything needs to be perfect and that it is okay to “waste time” and indulge in passions and interests. By doing these things, you are working against the message that society and capitalism send, thus preventing others from falling into the rat race and being unhappy.

While these three steps may sound simple and that they will not make any major impact, that is not the intention. What some people fail to realize is that we are a society, people make up a society. If we change the way we as individuals think, act, and work, and encourage others to do the same, we change the status quo. Most of the major changes seen today are a result of someone disagreeing with the rules of the society they were born into. Martin Luther King Jr., as beloved of a figure that he is today, was incredibly unpopular and disliked during his time by many. He, along with many other activists like Angela Davis, Fred Hampton, and Malcolm X, chose to be the few people that go against the rules and expectations set by society, and as a result, the United States is a far better country today than it was in the 1960s. If we want to make real change, it does not need to start as a grand movement, it can be these small acts of rebellion from individuals. The end goal is to obviously change society in a way that everyone, no matter their socioeconomic status, race, or gender can afford to discover and enjoy their own happiness, but it has to begin somewhere. And it can start with you.

Here’s an example of how I started. After practice one day I decided to practice aimlessness. Rather than going directly from team practice to homework, I stayed and played gymnastics with my teammates. We talked about how long it had been since any of us tried to cartwheel or do handstands. We decided to attempt to do so. We spent about fifteen minutes just playing around on the turf outside of the training facility. Unlike other occasions where I chose to waste time, I didn’t have the urge to check the time, or get away to go finish my homework or be productive in some other manners. I just stood there, tried some cartwheels and bridges, laughing with my teammates and enjoying the moment. While it took some effort to resist the voice in my head telling me I had better things to do, practicing aimlessness brought me peace and allowed me to appreciate the moment.