You Stand on Their Shoulders

By Steph Alfonso / Winter 2021

Steph, 

History seems to repeat itself doesn’t it? A never-ending cycle of drinking the pain away, chasing dreams that seem out of reach, selling oneself short out of a deep-rooted fear of not belonging to anything. You allowed yourself to be objectified and hazed. You allowed yourself to deal with harassment because of a lying whisper in your ear that says this is all you deserve. Well, I have news for you Steph, you do not have to. You have been perceived into thinking that lying is a form of protection, you have been taught that nothing is ever enough, but you are you see. Moms drinking and drugging was not a reflection of your worth nor is a job that discriminates against you for simply being a woman.

Generationally people have drank for many reasons, but in our family, it is a way to deal with the pain, the denial and the lying. This is not your fault. Remember the day you graduated from climbing school? You had multiple job offers and was nominated the best climber award. You were just turning 19 and your life was about to change forever. You accepted that amazing apprenticeship with SDGE and from Los Angeles to San Diego you went. That was courage. Feel that, take it in, breathe through the sensation of feeling brave, because that is what you are- and what you did was proof. You were now 1 of less than 300 nationwide female electrical linemen. You may not have believed in yourself, but others did and so, you went.

It was long before you started to run circles around the men you worked with on the various overhead line crews, you are mechanical by nature and thrived. You operated in a constant state of eagerness and persistence. You quickly learned that woman had not joined that profession because it was not only strenuous, but it was not designed for a woman. It was a trade that one is grandfathered into, meaning grandfathers, sons and their sons helped each other become great linemen. If you weren’t appropriately grandfathered into their construction culture or trade you were pushed out in sadistic way and you utterly did not stand a chance.

As a female and as for so many other females who have trail blazed through male dominated careers and trades, they often deal with an immense amount of bigotry, nepotism, hazing, aggression, hostility, harassments and in your cases taken advantage of to the point of being assaulted.  So, with that you did what you have been taught, to endure the pain, you drank. You could not bare the treatment anymore, so, you numbed it in. It worked for a while didn’t it? But how lonely were you? Incredibly. I am sorry, I am sorry you did not have the courage to stand up to these men and appropriately advocate for yourself. I am here to tell you that you are not alone. You never were. Woman for centuries have dealt with what you have and worse. In some ways, you are able to have experienced such a trade because of them. You stand on the shoulders of women who were courageous enough to pursue something they were taught to believe they could not.

No, maybe not all struggled with addiction like you have but they have struggled in their own way. I am here to remind you that everyone and every female before and after you is fighting their own battle and is doing what they can to cope, you did to. You still are. You are healing from the trauma little by little. To often than not, we focus on what we aren’t doing instead of stopping to recognize all that we have. As a professor once told me, “you are perfect as you are” and he is right. You have always been worthy of love and knowing what you know now about alcoholism is that your mother, her mother, and your grandfather’s alcoholism is not make them less capable of loving you or your siblings, they too, did the best they could, and with your experience of alcoholism, you have a keen sense as to the struggles and battles they too, were fighting.

Everyday women show up to those jobs where they do not fit in, but they persist. In your case your work led you to suicidal thoughts, black outs, and agony, you left with out looking back. Your therapist acknowledged your woe’s and reminded you that you are not responsible for the bullying and you are victim to it. Just like you are responsible for your families drinking. You walked with the spiritual malady and melancholy of the spirit – that is okay. I am giving you permission right now to slow down, breathe and just be. You are a powerful being capable of all that you desire. That job lasted for almost 4 years, you did well given what you delt with and you saw it through as much as you could, you finally came to a place where you have nothing else to prove to them and declared to yourself that you would never do anything for the money or ego ever again, and that moment there was the last day of your lost self, and ever since you have been on the mend of recovery and exploration of oneself.

Your mother, sisters, nieces, partners, friends, and entire family, plus community are so very proud of you and would not change a thing about you. They accept you as you are, allow me to remind you that the parts of you that feel shame, guilt, or not smart enough is not how others see you. They see love, light, bravery, and passion. You are more than ever the liaison you hoped to be for others.

I love you, Steph.